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1. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative onthe same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human racehas not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, thatword would be "meetings."
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost neverwant you to share yours with them.
5. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of itsglories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use,as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyleexhorting you to send money.
6. You should not confuse your career with your life.
7. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it tooseriously.
8. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always oneindividual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command.Very often, that individual is crazy.
9. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
10. Never lick a steak knife.
11. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.
12. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
13. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compellingreason why we observe daylight savings time.
14. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggeststhat you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emergingfrom her at that moment.
15. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people tomake a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.
16. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age,gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that,deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoypeople who are not in them.
18. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a niceperson.
19. Your friends love you, anyway.